Saturday, February 21, 2015

Random Child Hood Journal Entry 2

This one had a lot of stuff Scratched out and arrows all over to insert words. All of these happened at the original time of writing. Because of that it may have taken a little more work to make readable. While it was a little tempting to tweak some of the wording or remove some thoughts in this one, for the sake of my own integrity I did my best to avoid any such changes.

However, please know that, to the best of my recollection, my parents did not use the bible when yelling at or disciplining me. I know with absolute certainty that the bible is something I turned to voluntarily in hopes that it would help me to grow into a better person. (Since I started this before my dad decided he wanted to attend church regularly) Some of the lessons where tough, but all of them brought me comfort in hard times. They still do!  I say this because in the entry I did not flesh out this dichotomy but let them run together. I did not want to make such significant adjustments and risk misrepresenting my past thoughts in the process.    

June 29, 2006 at age of 14 (P.S. this one made me remember that I thought someone might read these after I die. Not my parents OFC)

I don't see why my parents think, or at least act like, I am some sort of rebellious teen. I try to listen and do what they want me to and I do my best to live by the bible. Yet every little thing I they make see as if it was an act of rebellion! Like when I ate a scrap piece of popcorn that was going to be thrown away out from an old dish without asking Chelle first. Chelle gave me this whole speech on how I don't care about the rules.

Honestly, I did not think she would care. Now today she says I should not be in and out of the kitchen getting water because she doesn't trust that I am not eating food out of the kitchen, even though I don't take any food from the kitchen. They find out everything wrong with me and everything I mess up (well almost everything) and the fail to notice my five your old sister's dirty jokes about sexual things. I worry about my sisters and feel guilty because of the crappy brother I am.

My parents are caring, Chelle too, they are just sometimes more down on me than I would like and they try to say good things about me, but their compliments are contradicted by what they say to me every-time they get irritated at me. For example: my dad said he was proud of me for trying to lead a good life and do what is right and latter on he is yelling at me about how I don't seem to care about anything. Please excuse my bad writing. I am just seriously down on my thoughts right now and often jumble things up when writing.

I wish to do better things in my life and help people to know God, but it is kind of hard when I hold onto my own selfish thoughts and shortcomings. Sometimes I can't help to feel worthless but I know it is not true. But to tell myself that I am seems to bring comfort to my pain and anger. Though now I don't beat myself up as much and it doesn't hold the same effect. God brings me comfort and reassurance even though I neglect to follow him whole heartily in the things I know he call me to do. Often I wind up pretending like he really doesn't want the things he put in my heart and wind up thinking more about other things.

~Trever Grissam    

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