Limited Preview for Upcoming book

This is a draft that has not been through final editing and is subject to change. The following is for promotional purposes only and may contain errors that will not be in the final version. All text is subject to change till final release.

Introduction Preview 

Accountability Check Update

Lets start with my failures and partial successes from my previous accountability check.

1. The first is that I have not found a single person with whom to share accountability and goals, likely do to me not putting enough effort in this direction.

2. I completely neglect to complete video content which was only partially a result of my unexpected move.

3. I have laid out how I am going to track my finances but have not put it into use yet

4. I have made progress on overall health and energy even though exercise is a little inconsistent.

5. I have a few job leads in my current location, however was also informed of a possible opportunity in Texas, the place in which I planned to move to in the next year or two anyway.

6. I have reduced my overall time spent watching anime and playing games, however time allocation is still needed tweaked for consistency

As for definitive steps forward I have a few clear successes in this area as well, even if some of these where not on my original list.

1. I have found a time management and tracking strategy, that while still being tweaked, works as expected

2. I will be completing my primary workstation by the end of this week (Just waiting for final parts.)

3. I have remained mostly on schedule towards finishing my first non fiction book laying out my philosophies, goals and overall company goals. (This is the most consistent I have been on a long term project to date)

4. I have vastly improved my linux system administration skills.

And finally for my goals for the next 3  month 

1. Implement accounting plan for personal finances by end of December

2. Finish first draft of book by middle of January (at latest)

3.  Reduce idle time to 2 or 3 days ever other week

4.Complete at least one video for YouTube channel

5. Sort out detail of next move

Our Freedom, Rights and the Role of Government

A right is the freedom in any moment in which all individual might have equal rights to choose in a manner that no one is denied the same right to choose and therefore cannot be anything that allows them to force another individual to do something in which he does not voluntarily wish to do. This works out to the freedom to control ones own life and the results of his labor and voluntary trade, as well as the right to defend it. The only rights a government has must be derived from the people and cannot do on the individuals behalf that which the individual is not allowed to do himself. All rights must always act on a universally applicable law and cannot have a double standard lest it violate natural order.

Freedom does not come from government, rather governments right to act is borrowed from the individual and can be revoked at anytime it is found to be violating the agreement. In the case of america its job was to defend against violent people who would initiate force against others. A voluntary tax in which people pay a percentage of a transaction as a form of trade insurance and access to the courts would be enough to support the proper function of government. Any transaction done using the governments form of currency would qualify as a contract in which all parties involved agree to allow the courts to arbitrate conflict and to accept the results. At the same time every one must be free to perform trade outside currency should the currency be found unreliable or trust in the courts diminished.

Update- Book in Progress and upcoming accountability check

The first draft for the book I am writing is due to be finished on December 13th. The working tittle may change but for now is Collapsing America, Modern Issues and How God, Media and Free Markets are the Solution. It will explore some of the pressing issues America faces today and how the 3 most Miss Understood, or poorly represented concepts can be used to solve them.  Once it is completed I will be looking into the editing process for a release date. As a final note I will be posting an updated accountability check assessing where I have improved and made progress and where I have fallen flat as well I the plan moving forward.

Principle Over Flag, the Equality of Individuals

It is necessary for us to be the ones who are willing to stand up for ideas and principles Rather than groups. To say to any group that on issues in which it supports life and truth, "I am with you." but on that which the same group sides with the lies that only bring death, "I am your enemy. It is the cause and not the collective to which I pledge my allegiance." To loudly proclaim, "The truth is my God, my only God and to him and him alone does my heart belong!"

It is imperative for individuals to stand for truth and always recognize that in every grey is a mixture of black and white. At this point one can either choose good, evil or finally admit to ourselves that we stand for nothing. (To do that last is to reject ones own humanity.) This country does not need more politicians, this country needs men that are men. It cries for the individual to take responsibility for his own life and seek truth.

It is begging us to quite blindly hoping that someone else will fix it. Until you and I step up, the trend will continue in our respective lives as the blind leading the blind. Many of us have have lost our sense of self and thus made the concept of accountability a foreign concept. If you want to see greatness, you must first understand it was always from individually held principles that greatness was seen. We ought to reject blind collectivism to once again believe that all men are truly equal and understand this as a confession that for each man to own himself is equality.

No More Excuses Accountability Check 1

Q. Your day now has 36 hours and you have an unlimited budget. If time where not an issue, if resources where not an issue, if physical space where not an issue, what would you do in addition to what you're doing now?

A. I would build a website, A series of linux workstations, buy some professional video and audio equipment and work on the sets and writing for 4 arc and my anime reviews. I would also study more networking and programming and build 2 company teams, the av team for working on productions and a software team for developing the distribution platform and improving workflow tools. I would also dedicate a small amount of time to working out a rue-brick for future education and training reforms for planned self funded fully private school system.

Q. What new priorities would you take on?

A. I would take on video production and writing as priorities followed by linux and programming studies. In addition, I would make exercise part of a regular routine as well as working on education reform outline/ research before bed.

Q. What would you have to change to make this happen?

A. I would need a larger and cleaner work-space and a reliable schedule. This would require both an easy to use tool that fits my usage mindset and possible accountability partner. I also need a higher paying more enjoyable job with a better work schedule and this itself requires I get my resume back in shape and look for jobs.

Q. What would you eliminate

A. Over consumption of media and idle research.

Q. We are all accountable to someone! To whom will you be accountable (besides yourself) for evaluating new opportunities to manage your space in the future?

A. I honestly don't know, I am aiming at possibly having Eliana's help, which is up in the air and would like to have my parents and Josiah on board if possible. Not sure how realistic the parents are but will need to check.

Q. What new initiatives could you pursue tomorrow to support your strategic intent that you didn't do today?

A. Find a scheduling and time tracking tool that works for me and work on a schedule, do regular lessons on linux academy and plan work/ production schedule better, keep budget and finances up to date, research jobs and get out a bit more for exercise and recharging socially.

Against the worthless void

Listen and listen close! Can you hear the echos of hatred crying all around you. I listen for it and hear nothing, because the death and hatred cannot speak.  It is only love and life that speak and I hear nothing. Hatred is nothing, it is the worthless silence in between, that which does not speak up in the face of great evil. If your alive, if your hearts still beat within your chest, speak out and let those who are suffering know they are loved. Fill the void and push back against the empty darkness. Hug those who need it and speak life and truth to all who are listening. I will not stand the silence even for a moment, even if it is only my voice filling it. So let us pray for the victims of all the horror that surrounds us.

Reading So Far This Year

Books I have finished this year: 
1. The Slight Edge
2. Master Your Time in 10 minutes a day
3. The Virtue of Selfishness
4. The Drug of The New Millennium
5. Government Bullies
6. Finished and Restarted bible again

Books I have read significant portions of/ am currently reading this year:
1.Think and Grow Rich
2. The Screenwriters bible
3. Remembering the Kanji
4. Capitalism The Unknown Idea
5. The communist manifesto

Books I own and hope to read this year but haven't:
1.  No More Excuses
2 .Japanese Cooking Made simple
3. The Autobiography of Nikola Tesla
4. The Politics of Dialogic Imagination (power and popular culture in early modern japan)
5. Atlas Shrugged
6. Dining with The Doctor

Also I now have a digital copy of the constitution and the bill of rights :D

Debate and Rationality: the path to truth and consciousness

I have never met an intellectual and honest person who always agrees with me 100% on every issue. However every issue once fully discussed to both parties satisfaction always ends in complete agreement. (Though this can take years and sometimes the debate on rare occasion doesn't end within a lifetime.) This is because both parties present new information the other hasn't accounted for until both groups have a theory that doesn't contradict any of the information known to either party.

This is because the nature of truth is that it never changes and can not contradict itself. The purpose of a debate is not to persuade people to believe what you do, but rather to allow rational individuals to complement one another's knowledge and abilities for the purpose of better solving a problem. It is in this way we expand our knowledge of reality which can only be accomplished if man is free to think on his own and disagree without violent criticism. (They must also be permitted to test there solutions when they can be tried with voluntary participation and without the threat of force.) 

To achieve this we must always be open to the idea that another persons difference in conclusion may have resulted from valuable information we do not yet have. The debate is only called off when someone presents a contradiction that when called out is unwilling to correct or account for it. It is at this moment we realize this person is not yet ready to think rationally and must be left to there own devices till such a time that reality forces them to face there own contradictions.

To try and force them to be rational by our own judgment would be an indirect admittance that allowing reality to function would not be enough to prove our rationality correct. Put differently, it is a subconsciousness admittance that ones belief is neither rational nor objective, but rather a stubborn attempt to avoid the responsibility to seek the truth.  It is to admit one does not genuinely seek or desire truth but rather seeks an escape from it!

Reason For and Development of My Faith Part 1: Beginning the Journey

This was written as a response to a question as to why I believe in God and the bible. The answer for this is something for which there are many parts. Not knowing where to start I decided to go with a chronological account of the things that eventually led to my current faith as it is. The latter intellectual pursuits I entered and there results will be shared to the best of my abilities in future parts.

The earliest point I took a true interest in God came a month or so before my Dad independently decided he needed to do the same and started taking us to church. I started reading the childrens bible I had in my closet as well as a copy of the new-testament that had been given to me a year prior. I think I was about 13 at the time. Do to complex family issues and not fitting in at school I would often cry myself to sleep.

My teachers were always impressed with my intelligence often stating I was well above my grade level. Yet I was always frustrating my father that I wasn’t excelling in my grades. I was constantly losing my homework, forgetting assignments and spent most my time grounded to my room. Sometimes it was to force me to get my grades back up, which usually took about a week. In these cases I didn’t mind being grounded, as I was able to more easily focus on reading and work. They were quite peaceful and often the only times I felt I was managing to do things right. Most of my groundings were on a day-to-day basis for messing stuff up and making my step mom angry.

I did end up preferring this to living with my mom, even though I loved visiting her, largely because I struggled to understand my expectations and often felt I didn’t treat my mom the way I should. It was hard to show her that I loved her. At least at my dads, I knew what was expected and felt like the structure would help me to be a better person. Often when my dad got home he would give me life lessons and would try to explain what I needed to work on when I was grounded. I am to this day thankful for the time he invested. He would tell me they both loved me and wanted to make sure I did well so I could have a good future. I frequently felt bad that I seemed to cause arguments between my dad and my step mom at the time.

Later my dad started to feel at fault for my struggles and for not knowing what to do. That he just couldn’t be there enough and he couldn’t figure out what to do. To me my parents were not doing anything wrong and I was upset with myself because, for some reason, I couldn't get it together. I could tell it was stressful for him and he didn’t like always having to discipline me when he came home. It felt like my parents were suffering because I was not good enough, yet they didn’t want to give up or quite loving me, something I did not feel I deserved.

On the one hand I would tell myself I was a worthless failure and on the other hand I told myself I would figure it out, I would get it right. I had to get better somehow! In school I needed people to feel happy but struggled to keep friends. I tried to act like I didn’t care and often would become quite annoying, trying to overstress my humor which was the only good quality I felt I had. Additionally I was quite an ass to people and didn’t mind making jokes at others expense or flipping them off. One day I found myself wishing people could just know who I was, but was scared to show it.

Then a scary thought came to me. “What if the things I did was because of who I am!” But I hated them, “How can I be defined by things I hate when who I am is what defines my I likes and dislikes?” I began to remember how when I was three my grandma would always tell me that no matter what God loved everyone. That it hurt God to see us hurting. I began to consider that perhaps the way people acted and treated me was because they had there own pains and struggles as well. That I was just making it worse when I treated them the same way. I wanted to change but was too lost in my own pain to care about others.

I said to myself, “Perhaps I should kill myself, perhaps my parents would be happier without me constantly failing them.” However I knew they would only blame themselves and it would make it worse. All the while I couldn’t take it so I started to consider giving up. I considered letting myself go and just drinking in secret or doing whatever. I was going to give up and let my life fall apart. At that moment I felt as if I was above a bottomless dark void. I thought to God, “I have been holding onto the tiniest thread of hope and I don’t even know what it is. I give up, Lord if there is anyway you can use someone like me to make even one persons life just a little better do it. I don’t know if that is even possible.” at that moment I let go, ready to fall into the never ending pit I was visualizing in my mind, catch me I cried. As I felt my self let go to slip into the void thinking it impossible for my life to amount to anything, I felt a peace come over me and I was lifted up by the hand of God. I hadn't even fallen very far.

Somehow I knew it was going to be ok and it didn't even matter how. Suddenly what people thought of me didn't matter as much, I just wanted to be real and used by God. That very next day I was full of energy and God immediately began using me in peoples lives. They just came to me, I didn't even really have to do much. It was at that point, near the end of the sixth Grade, that I became free to seek a deeper understanding of the world, myself, and others. I did so with a new Joy and fervor. Through the bible I began to find and test theories about human nature applying them in manors to see if the provided the promised results.

This new found interest would later expanded itself more deeply into a wide variety of sciences as well an interest in history. As my desires to understand would grow, so did my questions. Ahead of me was many instances where I would question God and my beliefs, testing and researching them to find and confirm the truth at any cost. Prayers would be answered and I would develop methods and patterns to force consistency of logic. Even latter I would seek ways of confirming, to the best of my abilities, the actual events of history. Welcoming people to challenge my understanding, and desiring to make peoples lives even a little bit better in the process. In part 2 I will attempt to address these latter developments and findings in further detail, in hopes it might one day help encourage someone else to a faith with the same peace and confidence I now hold.

What We Were Right About and Kids and Should Remember Now

As children most if not all of us wanted to learn how to do things our-self. Whether or it was tying our own shoes, putting on our own make up or choosing our own cloths. We wanted to do many things our self before we knew how, and were excited to grow. We didn't say mom and dad do it better anyway, we wanted to learn how to be more independent and less reliant on others than we already where. Even after failing many times, we saw other could do it and just knew we could too.

In our teen years that expanded even further to managing sleep and choosing friends, something that as teens we where pretty bad at. The sad thing is somewhere a long the line many of us gave up on personal growth and looked for a government that could tell us what to think and how to live. A government to provide our retirement savings for us, to run our economy,  to define and protect marriage, and to sort through information on our behalf in order to tell us what we should and should not ingest.

Now we live in a world where we have trusted political parties to define what are principles look like in action, and refuse to think for ourselves. A society that fears learning how to use a gun responsibly and instead expects others to protect there homes. We even expect the government and schools to teach our kids there moral standards. We sadly live in a culture that says leave it to the experts on almost every aspect of our personal lives. Heck many even leave voting to others, who themselves, leave the research to billion dollar news networks. These networks are left with few people willing or able to hold them accountable to the truth.

We are left with a huge problem. The problem is, experts are increasingly hard to find in a society that refuses to strive for competence. No amount of central power can make up for a lack of personal responsibility for long, because without it leaders are never born. We need to quite being afraid to mess up and come back to the child like desire to be more self reliant.

A genuine yearning to be someone who not only takes, but can give back. This is something we can only grow into once we have succeed in being responsible for our own lives and actions. To strive for such a society is to commit to a responsibility to protect peoples rights to make decisions we don't agree with, which can only be done if no one is forced to support them either. As it stands, we live in a system that forcibly takes away our rights of personal responsibility and it is only getting worse.

I Don't Need You, I Want, I Can and Will Go Without

I don't need anyone to believe in me, I don't need people to share the same lofty expectations I have for myself, however it would help a lot. I know I can do so much more so much faster, all I am missing is the sense pressure, the feeling that someone needs me to do so.

So if anyone wants to dare and hope in the same things I do, to hold me accountable to reach my goals I promise I will do all I can to not let you down. That said, I already understand why no one will. Though I want someone to help, I will make myself do it and I will find a way. It may just take a little longer. I will not let others be my excuse.

Worlds End Economica Visual novel Review

I went into this novel really not sure what to expect, and the first few lines didn't seem promising. However eventually I was enthralled. At some points I was so frustrated with the main character and so heart wrenched I wanted to make a decision to whip the main character in the right direction, but none where given. At other points I was worried it would give me one that would be difficult and cause something bad to happen. As it turned out there where no choices here and I was surprisingly fine with that.

The reason? It was simply that this was such a beautiful story that was like a wonderful book with the edition of beautiful artwork. Furthermore the music for intense stock trades added something a book by itself simply couldn't, and managed to make the trades exciting. If you love stories that can play with you emotions and leave you deeply considering what it is you value most, give this a go you won't regret it. I am still shaken from that ending, however If you are one to complain because it wasn't much of a game pass it up.

Personally I would give this a 5/5 and believe it is highly worth the money on steam.

Christian anime reviews and my rating system

Because I am someone who deeply believes media of all forms can play an important role in society, I have made it a point to vary my media consumption. This has most recently led me to a love for Japanese animation, or anime. While this is normally only looked at as being a bit weird, some people have questioned me on how a christian can enjoy anime. That particular question is not one that is easy to answer.

Normally I give a very generalized and somewhat canned response. This response somewhat address the two main concerns I normally see expressed. The primary one being the perception that anime itself is often immoral or perverse. To this I am quick to point out that most the western media we already consume isn’t exactly a bastion of Christian Values.  I would also add that not every show is exactly the same, as it turns out writers like to be creative. Rather than attempting to answer this question as a whole, I have decided to start a series of anime reviews. Alongside the actual reviews, I will includes bits on my own faith based perspectives.

While finding the perfect format and layout for the videos themselves will likely take a bit of trial and error, I do have a scoring system that is not likely to change much. I will be rating things on a 5 point scale that uses only whole numbers. This is my prefered method of review as I do not tend to feel the need to rate shows in any specific order. I much rather group shows based off the factors of enjoyment level and impact. This works well, considering that I can like many shows equally for entirely different reasons. When I do wind up with a preference, it is often temporary and changes based on my mood anyway. This makes any attempts at ranking them tedious and pointless.

Now for the scores themselves and what they actually mean.

Five points are given only to shows that I find particularly enjoyable in either concept or quality of execution. In addition they must also impacted me in a strong and meaningful way. This category is reserved for things that manage to dramatically alter my emotional state.These are the kind of shows I am left coming back to and thinking about for weeks if not years to come.   

Four points are for show that I enjoyed to a degree less than, or equal to, something I would otherwise give a five. However, they fail to leave an impact that last much longer than the show itself.

Three means I had mixed feeling about the show, while 2 and 1 means the show sucked. The only real difference here is that a one was too painful to watch more than 4 episodes, while a two I could at least finish.

Worth but Not Worthy of Life and Love, Why Suicide is Never the Best Option

Each and everyone of us is worth more than we often manage to be worthy of. This is because our lives them selves exist as the very breath of God, something with a higher inherit value than gold. In fact it is worth more than anything else on earth. The fact is none of us can manage to lead lives that are fully worthy of the very breath we where given.

The value stemming from what we are as sons of God is much higher than anything existing purely on earth. Our actions are nothing more than a series of inevitable transaction in which we invest that life into something else. Be it  In relationships and bringing joy to others, or purely into worldly things. If we gather worldly things it should be only so that we may reinvested it into a lasting cause. If not, it becomes a transactional loss once it perishes. Life put into perishable things and left there perishes with it.

This is why we must be careful to reinvest these assets as quickly as we can into an eternal purpose so that we may avoid the losing what God gave.When we fail to love or become trapped in selfish ways, we get less in return for our life than it is worth. While perhaps a bit of a waste it never justifies destroying the perishable body that contains the rest of ones life. Doing so does not benefit any purpose.

 Such an act simply guarantees that the remaining life perishes with the flesh it was left in. Doing nothing fails to make the world a better place, but this should not be mistaken as making it any worse. This world itself is temporary, set to perish with all who do not wish to look beyond it.  No one should mistakenly conclude that any of the money or life that they have was inherent wasted on them. As long as you have it, you can choose to give it.

Suicide is much like burning and destroying ones own stuff, it does not help anyone. Instead it only assures that none of it goes to anyone else. It would have been better to find something to love and to dedicate to a cause. In the very least it would have been better off in the hands of the poor. In the case of your life, I would recommend dedicating it to Christ. It is the only good investment that does not perish.

Current Projects and Studies In a List

This is a non comprehensive list of my current projects and studies in no particular order. This is, however, fairly comprehensive in regards to what I will be primarily focused on for the next 2-4 weeks. 

1. Working on a Faith based review Video of an anime: This is a test for a possible future series
2. Working on a Sermon and speech
3. Artwork for future CHEWS site
4. Further financial analysis and planning
5. Editing and rewriting portions of a new friends fan made RWBY adventure book.
6. Japanese Lessons
7. Linux Certification Coarse

Already an Eventful Day

After a day or two of being one with the vegetation within and around the apartment, I sprung back into to action. Determined that today be a productive day, I checked my bank account to find that my state return had made a belated appearance just in time to save me from the brink of starvation. Seeing that it was two early to start my exercise, I decided to make a break for the store. First I put on my coat. Then I burst outside into the freezing air and cowered back into the house. After Grabbing hold of my thicker jacket I burst forth once more.

It was at this point that the gradual build up to chaos began.Seemingly innocent ice rested on my windows, but Little did I know it was a sign of the coming winter attack on my feet. I removed the ice and gave my tires a quick glance before hopping into the car. After fighting to get out of the random pile of snow that surrounded, I precede ten feet down the road to top off my tires and behold my rear tire was completely flat. The time spent wrestling with the donut and crappy jack included with the car turned my toes into a solid block of ice. To make this battle more intense man a U-haul pulled up and became angry that I wasn't moving the car, now with one missing tire, out of his way.

Luckily a guy from the service shop arrived to start work and used his tools to speed the task along. Before I knew it I was on my way, the only real damage being the blocks of ice that had replaced my feet. Following this, I parked in the shopping center around Costco in order to wait for them to open and see how much this was going to cost me and to renew my membership. While waiting I wandered around Lowe's and chatted with a number of employees there. Eventually I transferred money out of my saving as I sunk into a slight dread over the loss. At that moment I thought, "This must be what it's like to have to pull the plug on a loved one!" With a new empathy for peoples losses I proceeded forward.

Up next I wandered into a mac store, chatted with the owner and gave some of the ladies there a good laugh or two. With 30 minutes still left till Costco opened, I grew impatient and decided to complete some of my shopping at Walmart and bought 2 gallons of milk with a gift card I had received as a gift from a few days prior. The milk only cost $4 dollars so $6 still remained for emergency.

Trying to take a smarter path back to Costco, rather than hopping back on the highway, I made multiple bad road choices and ended up looping back around and taking the highway anyway. I reached Costco waited in line, renewed my membership and waited in another line. I was then informed that if the tire could be repaired they would do it for free. This is great I thought! While waiting, I wandered the store for ramen but kept zoning out and missing it. Eventually I found the ramen and proceeded toward the check out counter.

On the way there I wound up in a pleasant conversation with a lady from Directv, who almost forgot to try and sell me the product. After a good 10-20 minutes of conversation her boss called jogging her memory a bit. After briefly mentioning the service, chats resumed. It was quite pleasant and enjoyable. Even though I was only buy ramen due to financial uncertainty I felt like I had accomplished some good shopping by time I finished. Eventually, after a long wait and picking up lunch, my car was ready and the repair was minor. Thinking God I charged home before any more surprises could hit me. All that is left now is the rest of my day!

Progress update: Logging Activities On the Temporal Scale And Controlling My Time

Hey oh! It has been a while since I attempted regular progress updates, largely because of how boring they began to get. In order to remedy this I have decided to experiment with embellishing the tittles and at least some of the post to follow.

After a multi-year long stare down in my duel with a brick wall, I have began my assault towards progress in life. I started with multiple small recon mission to determine the enemies abilities. I have been assessing those abilities. By making a few small lifestyle adjustments at a time, and fine tuning what works and what doesn't. By Forming habits and studying self discipline. I have been Finding my center of balance between my need for rest, spiritual discipline and physical well being.

All the while I have been learning to control the aim of my wallet and conserve ammunition for the big fight to come.There have been plenty of set backs, yet progress has been made. It is at this point I have made the next necessary step forward. I realized if I was to maintain progress and avoid another stalemate, I would be have to document and track my activities.

Starting yesterday, Tuesday February 24th 2015 I began using and testing a system to monitor my time with as little overhead as possible. The initial results are promising! Further more, I have begun formulating more detailed plans to move forward in my career and launch Christian Home Entertainment Works Studio a.k.a. C.H.E.W.S. I very much look forward to sharing this journey, and it's results, with you in the future. TTFN, Tah, Tah, For, Now. because tiger is best pony.

Random Child Hood Journal Entry 2

This one had a lot of stuff Scratched out and arrows all over to insert words. All of these happened at the original time of writing. Because of that it may have taken a little more work to make readable. While it was a little tempting to tweak some of the wording or remove some thoughts in this one, for the sake of my own integrity I did my best to avoid any such changes.

However, please know that, to the best of my recollection, my parents did not use the bible when yelling at or disciplining me. I know with absolute certainty that the bible is something I turned to voluntarily in hopes that it would help me to grow into a better person. (Since I started this before my dad decided he wanted to attend church regularly) Some of the lessons where tough, but all of them brought me comfort in hard times. They still do!  I say this because in the entry I did not flesh out this dichotomy but let them run together. I did not want to make such significant adjustments and risk misrepresenting my past thoughts in the process.    

June 29, 2006 at age of 14 (P.S. this one made me remember that I thought someone might read these after I die. Not my parents OFC)

I don't see why my parents think, or at least act like, I am some sort of rebellious teen. I try to listen and do what they want me to and I do my best to live by the bible. Yet every little thing I they make see as if it was an act of rebellion! Like when I ate a scrap piece of popcorn that was going to be thrown away out from an old dish without asking Chelle first. Chelle gave me this whole speech on how I don't care about the rules.

Honestly, I did not think she would care. Now today she says I should not be in and out of the kitchen getting water because she doesn't trust that I am not eating food out of the kitchen, even though I don't take any food from the kitchen. They find out everything wrong with me and everything I mess up (well almost everything) and the fail to notice my five your old sister's dirty jokes about sexual things. I worry about my sisters and feel guilty because of the crappy brother I am.

My parents are caring, Chelle too, they are just sometimes more down on me than I would like and they try to say good things about me, but their compliments are contradicted by what they say to me every-time they get irritated at me. For example: my dad said he was proud of me for trying to lead a good life and do what is right and latter on he is yelling at me about how I don't seem to care about anything. Please excuse my bad writing. I am just seriously down on my thoughts right now and often jumble things up when writing.

I wish to do better things in my life and help people to know God, but it is kind of hard when I hold onto my own selfish thoughts and shortcomings. Sometimes I can't help to feel worthless but I know it is not true. But to tell myself that I am seems to bring comfort to my pain and anger. Though now I don't beat myself up as much and it doesn't hold the same effect. God brings me comfort and reassurance even though I neglect to follow him whole heartily in the things I know he call me to do. Often I wind up pretending like he really doesn't want the things he put in my heart and wind up thinking more about other things.

~Trever Grissam    

A Bit of Self Discovery

So I completed my exercise today, haphazardly commented on stuff on fb then put on my music to get to work on the sermon message. Normally this gets me in the mode where I can write and be productive for at least an hour. Often times it would be around 3-12 hours and the results seemed to be somewhat randomly determined by some sort of cosmic 20 sided dice.However. it was never less than an hour, so I was stunned to find I could not write a single coherent sentence. Was I suddenly stupid but knew it or was something wrong with my mind? Perhaps I had become a dragon who could not speak normal human languages!




As I was trying to figure out why I was suddenly struggling to articulate my thoughts and struggling to do things that normally come quite naturally. Why I suddenly was stalling on writing and editing my sermon and couldn't think straight. It was quite scary so I look it up and actually found a helpful answer that was given to someone with a similar personality type as me and similar set of issues. Upon reading this answer I was able to properly focus and get back to work.

Jared wrote," ...Generally , I have discovered overly analytical personalities, and people with relatively higher than average Intelligent Quotients tend to manifest their depression and anxiety problems through a neurological mime." He goes on to describe things that I have done thought out my life like zone out and not even remembering half my day or not recalling if I drove home. Normally I have spent a lot of life dealing with depression and was always thinking of responses and solution to issues. This often lead to some pretty good progress, though it was often slowed by moments of feeling emotionally overwhelmed. However, despite the stuff that has been occurring with my sisters and family, I have continued to feel remarkably calm. This initially lead to an increase in determination and excitement for my work. Normally I am quite aware of why I do things and the deep thoughts and zoning out where done in a manner that I was consciously aware of the thoughts.

I had not considered this could, at least in part, be a result of anxiety. Not until I inexplicably couldn't work that is! Once I read Jareds post, which was a lot longer than that excerpt, I began to test it. I decided to look at what I had already written on the sermon previous days, though that is how I normally start. This time I considered that anxiety might be causing me to subconsciously over analyze things without alerting my conscience mind. I was then able to continue my work, all the while I discovered something new about myself. I always enjoy self reflection but normally don't stumble across helpful comments on the internet. I am glad that when, for the first time ever, I hit a wall in this process there was something there to help. I don't really understand how or why it worked but glad it did :D Now back to productive thoughts!

Well perhaps I should get some sleep first. You know before I have to go to work latter tonight. I wasn't all that awake when writing this so please forgive the even lower than usual standard of editing used here.

Here is the answers page that was referenced from for this discovery https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20101004214124AA9oQmx

Blame Christianity!

Does anyone know someone who believes Christianity is at fault for much of the evils commit throughout history? I know that I have met quite a few people that feel this way, and I would love to have a live discussion on the topic in the future. It would be nice to get some of the opposing view points from people who might lean toward such sentiments. I would like to try and answer their criticism in a manner that might encourage some to at reconsider there views. If you or someone you know is interested in discussing the issues with me, feel free to send me an email at tchews@gmail.com. Regardless I will likely be creating a video called, "in defense of faith." on my own timing.

Random Childhood Journal Entry 1

The following was written March 3, 2006 at the age of 14 And I am now posting it here with minimum editing. E.g. Spelling and punctuation. I kept most the wording and sentence structure the same.

Today was one of my better days at school. In first and second period we did nothing other than sit around and work on late work. We were also allowed to walk around and talk because most the kids where not there yet do to an overturned fuel truck blocking the buses from getting through. In french class we had a substitute which meant we got to do review work and the other students where in a nicer mood and where not as uptight and where more sociable than they normally are. The rest of the day at school was like any other good school day.

When I got home I ended up walking in when Chelle was in a bad mood and angry with my sister for something. While Chelle is a great parent she gets stressed a lot, so she was not much of a welcome back from school. Instead I got a raised and agitated  voice letting me in. I had gotten myself grounded yesterday or the day before that, I tend to lose track of time, so I went to my to my room and did the late work I actually had on me.

I also emailed my dad, who is on TOS in Texas so he can do his schooling (college), about what was meant buy something I had said a previous day when he had asked me what I meant. I did not give him a straight forward answer, but I hope hope my answer is satisfying for him and that he does not look to much into something that no longer means anything to me, for it has lost it's meaning. The phrase I was being asked about was, "I would rather not say." as a response to their question on why I did not do my work.

I think I may have overheard one of my my sister's saying to the other that I am the worst older brother ever. I hope I just miss interpreted or miss heard some of her words. Today has been an OK day overall.

Trever Grissam

Efficiency

I am currently looking into my life and how I spend my time. This was inspired a combination of prayer, and self improvement reading and a recent sermon I am working on. This was followed by news of the death of an amazing talent Monty Oum. I really only new him from a hand full of his work and concern for him both leading up to and after his death caused me to look into his life. What I found in this research is quite a bit more inspiration and motivation.

Because of these factors, I am even more passionately into the process of looking at ways to improve my efficiency. I am doing this by both stacking task together than can effectively be done at the same time, and organizing the flow of my day so that each task makes the next easier. (Or at very least the task that follows is a form of rest from the previous one.)

 Some of the ways I am stacking tasks are: I am now brushing my teeth in the morning while I shower and reading while I exercise. I am considering more ways to stack task for stuff I do on my computer and am awaiting a new cable so I can go back to a dual monitor work-space. Workflow improvements so far this week are: I am eating, then exercising followed by my showers and working on my mentally related task such as writing and studying. I am already thinking of how to organize my studies so that switching from one subject to another occurs in a way that each change requires a different kind of thought.  Finally I am looking at how I can begin consuming my media and entertainment in a manner that I can both enjoy it, and learn from to improve upon my own work.

Last but not least I am considering how to more effectively track my time usage since I plan to get back to journaling it. If anyone has suggestions or stories of there own for increasing efficiency in daily task feel free to hit me up. I am genuinely excited to see where I get to this year and what God decides to do with it. I am even enjoying my work more than ever!

Launching (CHEWS) Progress and challenges

The project is mostly on schedule though there are a few immediate dangers to the plan I need to address. The first and foremost problem is likely the root of the others. It is simply that I have noticed myself gradually and consistently slipping on my disciplines. If not corrected my current projects will fall behind, my spiritual state will deprecate taking with it my state of mind and ability to function. Because of this from here forward I will be keeping a stricter eye on my daily thoughts and actions. The time in which I begin basic business operation isn't in immediate danger, however I sense that the capacity to which it launches will be severely crippled if I don't sort this out now. I can not and will not let this continue unchecked. I cannot and will not lose. I must not become trapped in a new cycle. I can and I will continue forward, I must prevail.

All the while, as my character is being refined and my flaws become more apparent, my family and some of my friends are going through a variety of serious issues. They range from physical to physiological and there are many spiritual struggles intertwined. I feel the spiritual callings building as the stage is set for not only my own battles but those of my loved ones as well. Because of this, I ask that anyone reading this set aside a small portion of time out of your day to pray for my family, my business, my friends and myself. While I wish I could be more specific I must respect the privacy of those involved. As for myself, things are not quite progressed to as bad of state. I would greatly appreciated any prayers over my spiritual and financial discipline so that I might grow closer to God and continue in his peace and presence. Should the launch go smooth there should be a build up to official content being published. God bless and if anyone has prayer request of there own feel free to contact me at tchews@gmail.com or in the comments.

Ideas and Truth

It is not the ideas that are dangerous, it is the changes that would be required to believe them. We should never be intimated by a new idea, Rather we should first seek to understand them. Then we can fully consider the implications and determining there worth. Further more in regards to truth, it is better to seek it than to remain blissful and ignorant.

Truth doesn't become false if you don't believe it. Unbelief cannot make it irrelevant, it only makes it dangerous. The reason for rejecting an idea that might be true isn't because it is hard to understand, rather we refuse to even consider them if they presents a moral challenge to how we already live. We claim every logic and reason except the one that we use.  If were honest our only argument would be, "I am scared to think of it!" The truth is not that hard to find, though there is more of it than we will ever know. The truth is however, invisible to those who refuse to look.

Minor life Update

My resting heart rate is now 69 bpm, which is down from it's previous 90! Still have plenty of work to do on the spiritual side of my heart as I wrestle my body into submission. Thankfully with Gods help that is a quite promising en-devour and I am currently working on a sermon message intended for my church, It is one that I hope to have the opportunity to share! After I finish that I plan to get back to my Linux courses and my study on homosexuality in both the medical and the biblical sense. For that I hope to release a paper on for public review and would be interested if anyone wants to share links to full academic papers on the subject. All and all life is getting quite eventful. As I focus more on God, my own shortcomings are being made more apparent, which I consider to be a blessing :) Annnnnd that is about it, don't really have much to right about today so God bless.

Why Churches Really Shouldn't Get Special Tax Breaks

Any thing that exist as an organization with paid leader, be it a secular charity or a church organization should be taxed equally. Though it may be a well intentioned system to give tax breaks to religious and "non-profit" communities, I believe all exemptions to be misguided. One major problem is the line in the constitution that states "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof" We have tried to keep the intentions of non inference in tact while allowing/ mandating congress regulate our daily practice.

This occurs because in order to give special tax breaks one must put special stipulations in place. It is not special unless one define what ideals or actions do and don't qualify. This effectively puts any organizing registered as a non-profit under partial government control and regulation! Any attempt to enforce this could then be argued as an attack on religious freedom! The court is now forced to decided what does and does not qualify as a legitimate religious belief or institution thus putting it at odds with the constitutional mandate that it can not. The result is either yielding your religions definition over to the state and popular opinion or allowing just about anything and everyone to claim religion as a way out of all taxes. This situations is a conflict of interest for the courts and for law makers.

I understand that such a move may be difficult and the idea hard to swallow. Especially since many churches and organizations do a lot of good for the community. However it does little good to simply close the loophole applying to non-profits when many others exist that effect corporations and business in all sectors of life. What the church should be pushing for is common sense tax reform that closes loopholes for everyone, including the church. Such a tax code must be easy to understand and must not treat anyone differently regardless of income, race, position or beliefs. Anything short of this will continue to put minority views at risk and require daily compromises for anyone who wishes to hold these views and make a living.

Dueling natures

As Christians we really like to talk about our dueling natures, how our flesh and our spirit are at war. We talk a lot about feeding our spirit more than we feed our dead sin nature. This sin nature tends to be far more alive and present than we would like to admit. Many of us, myself included, wind up implementing a failed policy of appeasement when tempted. Trying to feed our fleshes desires with substitutes that are either not bad or at least a lesser of two evils. The problem is this doesn't work, even if it prevents one failure it only make the next harder to avoid and the desires more frequent. The moment we do this we have already lost ground.

Fundamentally all spiritual battles are over one thing, your thoughts! It's over mind-shares that are measured in units of time. Salvation is the gradual renewal of the mind via maintaining a focus on a higher calling. We become a slave to whatever it is that steals our focus. Be it desires of the flesh, a negative situation, or simply dwelling on our own guilt and failures. We have to acknowledge them and many of them are not inherently evil. However, all of them will lead to sin and hurt the moment they become the focus. We are best off sticking to small, direct and consistent responses that require as little conscience thought as possible. The simpler the better!

The fleshly nature will never be fully satisfied, however the hunger is actually reduced more with moderation than it ever will be with excess. We just have to remain focused on our purpose rather than our ever changing physical and emotional state. Taking it one small step at a time and sticking to the same course regardless of how we happen to feel. In fact we must do this especially during the times we don't feel like it. We can either take charge of our emotions through choosing our thoughts and actions or have our thoughts and actions controlled by our bi-polar and inconstant emotional states.

This is something I have been struggling with most of my life. I have heard seen and even, at times, experienced the difference a little mental self discipline can make. The specific balance of our choices and actions require consistent self corrections that must be guided by consistency of focus. We will always get off course one direction or another, the key is making sure that we remain single minded and focused on the spiritual callings first. This is much like driving a car, you never have the wheel pointing exactly the right way to remain on the road, yet focusing intensely on the wheel would be just plain stupid. Even dummer still would be to get all bent out of shape every-time you had to make a small correction on the wheel!

6 Month goals

Health: have a healthy stronger heart.
Plan= exercise at least 30 minutes a day

Personal: Make at least 2 new friends and grow closer with existing ones
Plan= Do more activities on weeks off

Professional: Develop my Linux and writing skills and deliver at least one church service message
Plan= Regularly take and apply Linux academy lessons, read useful material, study bible ,write, revise, practice present and if needed be persistent in seeking an opportunity with church leaders.

Business: Open business account and begin business operations
Plan = Save money and sell PlayStation to open business account. Work on promotional materials and messaging. Meet productive people and look for better paying job opportunities 2 times every other week.